I dont understand other people and thats why I dont like them. But I want to understand, and when I do I end up caring way to much about them. I loved the part of enders game where he talks about how lonely he is. Because when he truely understands people he cant help but fall in love with them. Good, bad, and the ugly. And thats how he destroys them. See…Im just missing the last part. I just end up destroying myself in my head wondering why I am less, or whats wrong with me, or knowing whats wrong with me and not being able to change it. Wondering how and why I end up in this same position over and over and over again. I dont want to be like this anymore. I want to be where I was last year. Skinny, making a lot of money, getting great grades in college, and perfectly okay with being alone. Hannah came back after being gone for over a year and said the only mean thing to me she has ever said. That I got cold. And in that moment, I didnt care. In a sick, twisted way I was actually proud of myself. I felt powerful and invicible. Sometimes I look back on that monster of a person I became in envy, like why did I let that go? What do I have to show for it now? Still broke, with another broken heart, stuck in this fucked up broken home. I will get that back. I am neurotic in the sense that I cannot let things go. I habor them inside, and dwell on them, and engulf myself in every emotion stored inside every memory. And that is a long, painful process I cant do anymore. And if it takes being cold again to protect myself against my insane obsessive thinking over the past then so be it. I just cant let this happen anymore. No more crying, no more pits in my stomach, no more clenched jaws, or lumps in my throat, or burning in my chest. Its got to stop now.